Sins Against Cinema movies that hate humanity (and the people that love them)

Titanic

the loooooooooove boat...

I can remember thinking, way back in 1997, that Titanic epitomized a very disturbing trend society seemed to be following. Like the Super Bowl, it seemed like spectacle for the sake of spectacle, a vast shiny jewel in Hollywood's shimmery kingdom of desire. And so, out of counter-culturey disdain, I avoided, assiduously, ever watching it, claiming that dedicating the purchase price of a ticket and three hours of my life was akin to paying tithe to Pharaoh. My hipster credentials thus secured (having previously been placed in some jeopardy by my decision to cave in to pressure and watch Forrest Gump) I continued with my life, only to see Hollywood's offerings become baser and baser.

Well, fate has finally caught up with me. I can now say I've joined with the rest of the world and seen this movie. Yes, I watched it on purpose. No one held a gun to my head, though at times I'd wished they had. God help me, but I have seen Titanic.

I happen to think that a straightforward review is pointless, since I was obviously the last man in the world to have seen it. Instead, I have a lot of questions that perhaps you, dear reader, may be able to answer:

• What were they thinking?
• Why was it so very, very, long?
• Why did Billy Zane wear more makeup than Kate Winslett?
• Why didn't Jack just climb up on the door with Rose?
• What did happen to Sven, anyway?

And so on.  There's a lot in this movie that's just plain silly, and I'm not talking about Jack's lampoony what's-a-matta-yoo Italian friend.  You ever been to a funereal, and heard a well-meaning person say awkward weird things in a misguided attempt at consoling someone?  And the bereaved, whatever they may actually think about the gobbeldygook that just came out of the well-meaning person's mouth, they just smile and say thank you and tell themselves well they meant well, that's what matters. I mean silly in that sense.  For instance: at the very tippy-end of the movie, when Rose goes off to her reward, she meets up again with Jack, in the entrance to the rich people's ballroom. Why Jack's ghost would be allowed to dally about for seventy some-odd years with the ghosts of his social superiors, we'll never know.  Why they'd all be waiting around for Rose to show up, that's another mystery. Why they would all applaud—let alone care, or even notice—when Jack and Rose kiss is a deep, fathomless enigma. Really, it makes no sense. And yet, like the polite bereaved person at the funereal, we are supposed to smile and say thank you and feel appreciative to that wonderful nice movie that meant well and just wanted you to feel better.

But all of that pales in comparison to the biggest WTF the movie has to offer.  It's obvious early on that Rose is still, after all these years, in possession of the diamond, so I guess any tension around that plotline was supposed to be based around the "when will she reveal it" question.  I mean, really, what else would she do with it, toss it in the fucking ocean OH MY WTFBBQ did she just do that ferchrissakes.

This is what takes Titanic from a mere overlong, overhyped, overpraised, tedious slog and into the realm of pure evil. Out of all of the things that Rose could have done with this extremely valuable jewel, this extremely valuable jewel of some historical significance no less, she decided to throw it in the ocean where it can do no good for no one. She could have sold it, started a charitable organization, and helped thousands. She could have eliminated vitamin-A deficiency blindness worldwide, or eased the tremendous (but easily treatable) suffering caused by anaemia in Southeast Asia. Hell, she could have bought iPods for deaf kids, or something, anything, but no.  She tosses it in the fucking ocean.

This isn't a minor gripe. This is a big deal, all the more so because we're supposed to like it. It's supposed to be a grand romantic gesture; it's supposed to make to you go ahhh, isn't that lovely. No, it's not lovely. It's absurdly selfish. It's childish. It's plain stupid and despicable and you're supposed to like it.

Well, I for one don't like it.  So there.